Easter Mayhem
by AgentMandark
Summary: The Flock attend Easter mass-a decision Max is starting to strongly regret. "I wanted so badly to strangle the person whose bright idea was to hand out candles. No, scratch that, to hand out candles to two pyromaniacs." Two-shot. Set during TAE.


_**Note: Takes place during 'The Angel Experiment'. I guess it's technically AU, since it's an alternate scene of what happened in the books. *shrugs* Ah well...**_

_**I'm aware it is no where near Easter time. I wrote this...like...two years ago, in April. Inspiration caused me to finish it today.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Maximum Ride. And after the 4****th****, 5****th****, 6****th****, and 7****th**** book came out, I don't think I ever want to.**_

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><p>As I strolled into the church, my Flock following obediently behind me, it finally hit me that I should've done some research before taking them here. Mass hadn't even started yet, and people were already making weird motions with their arms and muttering prayers they knew by heart. Most of the pews had been filled, and the majority of people attending were seniors or old couples; six scruffy, slightly smelly kids stood out in church more than an Eraser in Disneyland.<p>

I glanced over to Fang, who was observing the stained glass windows placed artistically around the church, and nudged him discreetly.

He looked over at me, his eyebrow raised in question.

"Maybe this isn't a good idea," I muttered, simultaneously indicating the rest of the Flock with my eyes—Gazzy, in particular, due to the fact that he had eaten 15 tacos before we arrived...

Fang shrugged, and murmured back, "Too late to back out now. Y'know they won't listen."

I sighed and resisted the urge to smash his head into the supposed "holy water".

_Gee, Captain Obvious,_ I thought, _what happened to being second-in-command and giving decent advice?_

Trying to blend in (and failing miserably), I motioned for the Flock to grab seats in the back row. Thankfully, the front seats were all taken, saving us from the pressure of being watched by the creepy-looking priests and their unnerving, hawk-like eyes. Personally, I wasn't too worried about the girls or Fang acting up. They knew to be on their best behavior, plus, they actually wanted to be here. Iggy and Gazzy, on the other hand…

Thinking of the endless possibilities made me gulp nervously. Though I went through desperate measures to raid them of all their bombs beforehand, something told me I hadn't _completely_ wiped them of their ammo. Judging by the mischievous grins they had plastered on their faces, that _something_ was right.

Suddenly, the organist at the head of the church began playing, and a woman's voice rang throughout the building.

"_Al-le-lu-ia! Al-le-lu-ia! __Al-le-lu-ia…"_

On my left, I heard Iggy whisper to Gazzy, "If this is what we're going to listen to for an entire hour, I might just set off a bomb."

As much as I hate to admit it, a small part of me was silently cheering him on.

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><p>"Dude, you should so set that lady's hair on fire!"<p>

"Or a bomb!"

"Too noticeable. Come on, how funny would it be if that lady was running around, screaming, with flaming hair? That would be in the newspapers, man!"

"But then she would it know it was me!"

"We'll just say it was an accident. They're not gonna accuse an eight-year-old of intentionally setting someone's hair on fire…"

I wanted so badly to strangle the person whose bright idea was to hand out candles. No, scratch that, to hand out candles to two _pyromaniacs_.

"Guys," I grumbled in the strictest tone I could muster, "We are in a _church, _during _Easter mass_. How about _nothing_ gets set on fire, and we continue on for the next half-an-hour _peacefully_."

Despite that the both of them straightened up and hardened their faces, I still detected the barely traceable smirks on their lips.

I mentally prayed, _God, wherever you are, _please_ make this end well. Please._

For a couple minutes, I actually believed He received my prayer. The boys didn't so much as utter a word, not to mention the candles were a far distance from the old woman sitting in front of us. I was about to sigh a breath of relief, until my nose traced a scent…a _smoke_ scent.

Alarmed, I scanned my eyes around the church. _There_, I realized with horror as I watched a small flame rest innocently at the edge of a middle-aged woman's fancy hat.

_What? This doesn't make sense…Iggy and Gazzy didn't move an inch the whole—_

And while I had been keeping such a close eye on two mutant bird-kids, the other three were free to do whatever they pleased.

I decided to worry about who committed the deed later, and focused on the woman who didn't even realize that her _hat was on fire_. Surely some of the other people had noticed by now?

Of course, not a single person paid any attention the woman whose hat was on fire—leaving me to fulfill to lucky task of saying something to her. Peachy.

Biting my lip anxiously, I poked her gently on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, miss?..."

She mustn't have heard me, for she continued staring straight ahead, not paying me the slightest bit of attention.

I tried again, "Um, pardon me, but there's something you should know…"

She turned her head slightly and put her finger to her lips. "_Shhhhh! We're in church!"_

I clenched my fists for two seconds, before whispering, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but there's something wrong with your hat…"

Finally, she spun her body around to face me and said in the nastiest tone ever, "And just, pray tell, is wrong with my hat?"

_Please don't freak out…please don't freak out…please don't freak out…_

"Um…well, you see, I—I, uh, think your hat's on fire."

A few snickers erupted from the Flock, and I heard Iggy mutter, "Way to be subtle about it, Max."

However, rather than the expected scream of insanity, the woman simply laughed it off, shaking her head as if I were a small child trying to tell her how babies were born. Though I was certainly glad she didn't go into cardiac arrest, _laughing_ about the situation wasn't exactly what I was hoping for.

"Miss," I urged more seriously, "I'm not joking: your hat is literally on fire—"

"I'm not sure what entertainment you're gaining from this, but be aware that _He_ is watching."

Oh, _He _was watching all right; watching and laughing His holy ass off.

Unable to keep up my polite act any longer (which, for me, had been pretty impressive, if I do say so myself), I hissed to her, "Listen you fat, stupid hag, I don't give a crap about whether you burst into flames or not. The thing is, though, that there are innocent people here who are going to burn to death because some old _witch_ was in denial and wouldn't just freaking extinguish the flame on her obnoxiously large head. So, please, for the sake of the innocent, get up, take off the hat, and get rid of the fire. Not that difficult."

"Why you little—"

Mid-sentence she halted, and sniffed the air suspiciously. I saw her hand shakily go towards her hat, towards the area that was burning and steadily increasing.

What she did next, I found very ironic.

"_**OH MY GODDD!"**_

And, as if it had been planned from the moment we set foot in Taco Bell, Gazzy let loose the worst and most sickening stench ever to be smelt by man.

Everyone knows what happens when you mix farts and fire.

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><p><em><strong>Note: For the record, this was based off a true story—minus the woman's hat going on fire. My three younger guy cousins and I all went to 5:00 PM Easter mass on a Saturday night so we wouldn't have to wake up early in the morning. Evidently, when you go at night, they hand out candles. Um…not exactly the brightest idea…my cousins were whispering and gesturing with their hands about how they were going to set the entire place on fire—which, quite honestly, I can see them doing.<strong>_

_**Oh, and no offense to anyone who's Catholic out there. This was written solely for comedic and self-entertaining purposes. If my writing sucks/can be improved, please tell me.**_

_**Next up: Part 2.**_


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